How to approach chastity in your D/s relationships

Chastity in the mainstream

There is a growing trend of kink and BDSM lifestyles being discussed openly within mainstream culture. Due in no small part to more media coverage. While a majority of films and literature still portray BDSM in a negative and/or ill-informed light (arguably Fifty Shades is the best example of such), there are more authentic examples of alternative sexualities such as R.O. Kwon’s Kink, and the recent Netflix movie Love and Leashes. provide links to films BDSM sub-cultures are still demonised by large swathes of society, but there is hope for the future.

With discussion comes a chance to experiment and explore. I believe that everybody should gift themselves with the opportunity to expand their sexuality into areas that might light a previously undiscovered desire. BDSM might not be for everybody, but trying it on for size is.

This rising interest wasn’t hampered by COVID either. In fact, lockdown may have encouraged us all to delve a little further as highlighted in this article, published late 2020:

interest in sexual experimentation during lockdown is reflected in what people have been googling in 2020. UK searches for “what is pegging in sex?” have seen a 250% increase, according to data from Google Trends, while “what is BDSM?” searches are up by 70%.

Lockdown was an unprecedented event on a grand scale; hardly anyone left untouched by anxieties, clinical or otherwise. It also played an important part in people rediscovering themselves. Here was the perfect opportunity: we were stuck at home, bored, nothing much to do but reflect on our lives, what we want, what we have, what we need.

With that self-exploration came a focus on our sexuality. As the article points out, sex toy sales went through the roof. It’s not rocket science. Sex is a basic human need for the majority.

One area of interest in the last couple of years is rise of the chastity blogger. A lot of these bloggers operate without a physical Dom by their side. During lockdowns, they couldn’t go out and get any – a perfect time to explore submission through self-control perhaps?

Alongside a general interest in all things kink and BDSM, chastity has certainly been growing in popularity.

I don’t believe all so called ‘chastity slaves’, ‘locked fags’ etc. are being completely honest about their epic stints locked up without orgasm, but I’d like to believe most of them are. Not that the distinction really matters. What matters is that the shitstorm of the past couple years has provided an opportunity for people to explore their kinks in a healthy way.

What is Chastity?

Chastity in a Ds context is all about control. An extremely powerful choice for a submissive to make – to surrender control of their sexual gratification to a Dom. Whether they are controlling themselves or being controlled by another it’s still, for all intents and purposes, a D/s dynamic). The goal for most isn’t focused on turning a sub into a complete celibate slave throughout the rest of its service (although it can be if that’s what all parties wish to achieve), rather it’s about increasing the connection through orgasm denial.

Jack Rinella in his guide to Master/slave relationships, explains that controlling a submissive through abstinence is one of many ways in which you can increase a sub’s focus on servitude:

…increased desire for sexual release makes awareness of the Master’s rules, control, and presence even more apparent. The horny slave, quite frankly, is a more devoted slave.

Devices

My take on chastity devices? A mixed bag. Great training tools. But for the long run? I’m not sold.

CBT is one of my favoured kinks. That, coupled with the pleasure I derive from controlling a slave’s orgasms, means a cock cage just tends to get in the way. In the 24/7, once a slave has reached the stage of full ownership, I would expect them to have developed a fortitude and a desire to submit with an eye toward self-control. Controlling a slave properly should lead to the development of self-control within the slave psyche. Yes, there are accidents along the way – that’s what corrective punishment is for.

Every Dom has their own way of doing things. There are many advantages to enforcing a chastity cage/belt. It becomes a physical symbol, a permanent reminder to a sub that they are controlled or even owned by their Dom.

A device is needed? There are a number of decisions to be made.

What are your options?

There are plenty of options out there. Ranging from fairly cheap to quite expensive. Cock cages usually come in metal, plastic or silicone. There are also bells and whistles attached to a lot more of them now, including e-stim and/or urethral rods. And you subs think we Doms are the perverts?! Disgusting, the lot of you!! (Breathe. That was a joke.)

CB-6000’s are popular, but not necessarily the best.

That blog post is from Denying Thumper. Which is honestly one of THE best resources on chastity I’ve come across. In fact, why the fuck are you reading this when you could be reading that! Go on, fuck off. You’ll thank me later.

Anyway… you can purchase devices from almost all fetish stores and even Amazon. Choices are abundant.

What do you need to consider?

First up, think measurements:

  • penis size – it’s going to be sitting in a cage
  • circumference of scrotum – especially when full, because that should be their natural state
  • think about how it’s going to look under your normal clothing options – if you care

Next, think about keys. I go with unique security tags, like these, the trainee slave also receives his own spare key. They have a key?! Yes. Trust is mutual in my brand of 24/7. The security tags with individual numbers help the process. If that breaks, it means slave has unlocked. All slave needs is a bloody good reason. They have keys for safety, such as medical emergencies in which they would need to take it off.

Think about why you want the chastity cage. How long is the cage being worn. Is it just for show? Is it only going to be used in scenes or is it to be worn 24/7?

If it’s going to be worn around the clock, it might be worth considering a more expensive, custom made device which can reduce the potential for long term damage.

Are chastity devices safe?

it’s probably best not to take health-and-safety advice from the anonymous chastity players you run across online.

I’m not going to sit here and play doctor. The article linked in the quote above does a good job of speaking to medical professionals about the safety risks involved in wearing a chastity device. The gist of the article is that as long as you put some thought into your purchase beyond a one-size-fits-all device, you should be fine.

What’s your take?

As a Master, my primary job when it comes to keeping my slaves, owned and trained, in chastity, is their continued physical and mental wellbeing. Don’t know about you, but I love to control a slaves orgasms – sparingly – so it’s in my best interests not to break their bits.

With that in mind, I supply custom cages for my newcomers. It’s chosen with their limited input. A lot of people, usually those not well versed in the diversity of D/s dynamics, level me with the charge that a slave shouldn’t have any input. For a power exchange to be mutually beneficial, it’s worth bearing in mind that TPE can be a journey, fluid, ever-increasing, rather than a beginning and an end. It’s also worth noting that in my experience, give your submissive an inch and they won’t always take the easy option, which can sometimes help distinguish between those serious about their submission and those just playing a more casual role.

What’s your experiences with chastity? Are you a Dom with locked submissives? Are you a submissive who is locked? How does it work for you? Any recommendations for newcomers who may be reading this? Are you yourself a newcomer with more questions?

Let us know in the comments below.

Stay safe,

The Boss and his bois

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