The way people talk to each other on social/’dating’/hookup apps is both laughable and infuriating.
Variable definitions of Master/slave are partly responsible. I don’t wish for these definitions to merge in a homogeneous offshoot of the way vanilla society dictates relationships. One constant is when a Master tells us he leads or seeks to lead a 24/7 TPE lifestyle, he’s not asking for a quick shag.
It works both ways. Masters approaching slaves and slaves approaching Masters. On more than one occasion, my owned slaves have received messages:
'slave, show me your dick pics!'
'slave, what time are you free tonight? I'm going to use you.'
I have no problem with Master’s approaching my bois. What I expect is a touch of the protocol they would ask of their own slaves:
'slave, does your Master let you play with other Masters?'
… would be a good start.
We aren’t here to talk about slaves gripes though. I’m here to talk to the subs, the potential slaves. Specifically the minority who don’t seem to know how to approach a Master.
A common interaction with a submissive:
I lay out my expectations, giving details about my brand of the Master/slave lifestyle. I am always careful to pepper it with the term: 24/7 TPE. Five minutes later, I check my inbox for the response, only to find a dick pic along with the words:
'u 3 tonite, sir?'
One: your dick (shock, horror) isn’t my priority.
Two: the concept of a Master/slave lifestyle may vary from Master to Master, but the basic concept of ownership extends way beyond a casual shag. I should hope this would be obvious to those submissives who have done their research.
Sometimes I am up for that shag. If I’m up for it, I’ll lead with it – leading is my domain. Telling me you want to be an owned slave while treating it like a wank fantasy isn’t going to get you very far.
To make your inferior lives a little easier, I thought it best to give a few pointers. A disclaimer: I am only one Master. These pointers may not relate to the expectations of every Master or Dom you land at the feet of. In that case, I would suggest you be a good sub and read their profile. It’s common for a Dominant to have information on their profiles. We have egos to massage, we know how to talk ourselves up.
Things to consider when approaching a Master
Not every Master is like the leather clad stud you watched on PornHub last night
Let’s be realistic. Sustaining a Master/slave lifestyle as an endless sex party is not that likely. Just because you saw it in a porn movie doesn’t mean it exists out of that realm. Remember that porn’s genre mechanics have more in common with Lord of the Rings than a Ken Loach drama.
That leather clad stud exists as an archetype, housed within a narrative built on two dimensional characters designed to arouse and provide release. I honour the leather culture that legitimised my lifestyle, but while I am a Master, I’m not a Leather Master. I do know a few though and, que surprise, they actually have layers beneath the uniform. Look at Mr. Kristofer. Besides being a porn star, he is a prominent leatherman within the San Francisco community and also a fully-rounded human being.
Don’t assume that every Master you come across is going to want what you want, especially if what you want is inspired by porn.
Your bucket list of sexual fantasies is meaningless to most Masters
Don’t expect to find compatibility with every Master. We aren’t all cut from the same cloth. Just as we search for slaves that compliment our styles, so should you be doing your research and asking questions.
And please, have the intelligence to ground your fantasy in some form of reality. Almost every Master I have spoken to has had that one submissive approach them and say, ‘Master, I want to be kidnapped, disappeared and caged by you 24/7.’
What do I get out of such a thing? If you’re locked in a cell 24/7 how are you meant to serve me? And assuming you’re shitting in a bucket for the rest of your days, am I supposed to put up with the stench? And who’s bringing your food to the cell? Me? Think about that for a second. After an interaction like this there’s no doubt in my mind that I would want to lock you up, but I’m not envisioning a return to the cell.
When you request something like this, you are forgetting a few things. Primarily, none of what I have to offer is about fulfilling your needs and wants. Of course, there is a level where those needs will be met, but I’m not here for a submissive to play Build-a-Master. There is also a seeming disregard for the practicalities of life. If you’re locked in a cage 24/7, how are you going to go out and provide for me? What, I’m not at least going to lock you in the house all day to do your chores? No. A full time Master/slave dynamic has to transfer to the real world. Maybe if you’re lucky enough to find a millionaire Master who can afford to have you at the house day and night, you might be able to fulfil a dream of not going to work, but this isn’t that. Also, I like to think that even if I were a millionaire, I would perhaps send you to work anyway. More than likely if you were less keen on the idea.
Porn narratives teach us a very particular way that the Master/slave dynamic works. It doesn’t dabble in the day to day, because that would defeat the object. In a recent episode of the brilliant Master/slave lifestyle podcast, slave Phil interviewed Master Tim. Master Tim talked about wouldbe slaves coming to him with a preconceived shopping list of fantasies they had picked up from porn. He talked about how older slaves usually have a very set way of doing things based on either previous ownership or from things they had read. Not a problem in itself, but if that bucket list is too rigid, then what hope do we have? For a submissive new to the life, until that porn narrative is dispensed with, it would be very hard to train them in any realistic form of TPE.
You can see it from the earliest points of conversation. It’s role-play. I understand role-play, it can be exciting and fun. But I’m here looking for full-time slaves and the sub is sat with his phone in one hand and his dick in the other.
Me: what are your hobbies?
Sub: I don't have hobbies, Master. A slave doesn't need such things.
Me: what are your passions?
Sub: to serve?
Me: Beyond that. What excites you? What drives you?
Sub: Being caned?
The lifestyle I lead is far from role-play, it’s the way I interact, it dictates how I love and who I love.
The T in TPE isn’t silent
I seek to control everything. I won’t compromise on what I expect. I control finances, clothes, nutrition, physique, almost every aspect of my slaves lives. The only things I don’t seek to control are anything related to physical and/or mental health issues and family – I will fully support a slave in these two areas, but I won’t strip away their choices.
Power Exchange is a big part of most BDSM sessions, be they within a Master/slave LTR or a casual scene. What some don’t understand is that a Total Power Exchange means Total control. An indicator that control is sought way beyond a scene or session. I am all about the long term. I train my slaves to spend their lives at my feet. I want all of your choices, and I want you at a point where all you desire is to serve me. Start a conversation by cherry-picking the choices you will surrender to me, I will get bored and respectfully bid you goodbye.
You should also have the sense during a conversation to respectfully say goodbye if it becomes clear that there is no compatibility. Don’t be afraid to end a conversation with a Master, if it’s not what you’re looking for. I don’t own you during those initial stages. Yes, follow the basic etiquette, but you aren’t mine until you choose to submit and I choose to train you.
No Limits bores me. Everyone has a limit. However extreme.
I see No limits as a red flag. It indicates two things:
One: you’re not safe, sane and consensual
Two: you have little to no knowledge of the concepts of BDSM
Everyone has a limit. However extreme it is, there is a limit. A threshold. If you don’t know your limits, that is perfectly acceptable. But tell me that. Instead of waving your dick (the one I don’t care to see) in the air and shouting about how you have no limits, tell me you haven’t found them yet. It is all together a much more exciting prospect, because the flip side of it is this: if you have no limits, where am I going to push you?
Ask me questions
Ask me stuff. Ask a couple of interesting questions. If you’re serious about getting to know me, ask me who I am beyond my duties as a Master. If you want to enter into a 24/7 you’re going to have to gauge whether I am someone you wish to spend time with. That’s why I’ll be asking you plenty of questions about yourself.
Other important questions you want to ask a prospective owner are: what are their control points? And what are their expectations for their slaves? Ask them what their protocols are – high, low, relaxed?
This will tell you multitudes about your compatibility.
Yes you can ask me questions about my BDSM interests. I’ll tell you CBT, rope bondage, restraint, impact play are my primary modes of domination amongst others. But don’t stop there. Stopping there indicates that you just want a session and that’s not what I’m about.
And if those BDSM activities don’t sync up with what you want, then feel free to move on.
I don’t give out collars to subs I have just met
If you’re requesting a collar on the first meet, that tells me you’re prepared to give up ownership to anyone, which suggests your naive and possibly an idiot, which means you will never be my slave.
I get that they have become a fashion accessory for people skirting the kink community, but for those of us living a Master/slave lifestyle, the collar is symbolic and something that is most definitely earned by a slave after a prolonged period of training and bonding.
I need to know what you can bring to the role
While I will be interested in your physical looks as well as your thoughts, I need to know more. I need to know what you can bring to the table. I am a Polyamorous Master. I have multiple slaves. Your tight hole and your legendary oral skills are practically meaningless to me in terms of you gaining a position in my House.
I need to know what you can offer in the day to day. What are you good at? What are your interests? And give me something more than, ‘my interests are whatever yours are, sir’. While that is cute, it’s going to bore me rigid.
And this getting to know you; you getting to know me simultaneously – that doesn’t happen overnight. I’m not going to chat to you on an app, meet you and have you as a slave right from day one. It takes time, numerous meetings (like dating but less insipid), to get to know one another.
It all comes down to courtesy. Politeness. Humility. Etiquette. All the things you should have in spades were you to make the cut as one of my slaves. Yes, there is an element of depraved sex toy that will get you far in my House, but I need more than that if I am to have you as property.
So when approaching a Master, a Dom, be courteous. Use our title. Don’t know what this titles are? Ask us.
And most important: if you’re here to engage in a bit of role-play and nothing more – find a more casual Dom who can play along with you.