Giving birth to a beautiful baby website
Two things happened this week:
- I realised I’m not comfortable writing essay-style blogs – it’s not me, it’s not who I am. Writing is more the boi slave (Mattie’s) wheelhouse. I’ll leave the long-winded crap to him.
- I started to get a touch of nostalgia. As my dream of living a full TPE lifestyle nears fruition, I found myself thinking about my first owned slave. Slave Dave. (Yes, I know, very amusing.)
In the spirit of the above, we are trying something new. Having a website in its infancy affords us the luxury of trying out various forms of communication. Or, what slave Mattie would call – throwing shit at a wall and seeing what sticks.
We had a conversation, about Dave. A conversation I’ve been having with myself for quite some time. A defining period of my life.
It might seem that I am going out of my way on the blog to show my vulnerability. I am! I may be a Dom, I may be The Boss, but I am also human. Underneath the TPE lifestyle we lead and the BDSM concepts we hold fast to, the bois and I are flesh and blood, like you.
So here goes, a verbatim (as much as boi slave will allow) conversation between me and a slave. It turned into more of an interview – slaves listen; only talk when necessary.
Dave – without him I wouldn’t be where I am today
Boss: The first story I need to tell you about Dave is about one of my trips to London during Pride Week. Dave said we were going to dress up, go out, and celebrate. I’ve never been that sort of person, I’d go out like I am – jeans, t-shirt, whatever. Anyway, so I’m ready, and he comes downstairs in leather chaps. And I realised as he turned around he had no pants on. And I said to him ‘You’re going out like that, with your hairy arse hanging out?’ He said, ‘Yeah it’s fine’. Can’t remember what else he was wearing, it’s the chaps that clearly stick in my head… and the dog collar around his neck. So I said, ‘you want me to walk around London with you, with a dog collar on, with your arse hanging out?’ Dave did not care what people thought.
boi: When did you two meet?
Boss: I reckon we met around 1997. We met on a chatline; he lived in London.
boi: Did you meet on a Master/Slave basis?
Boss: I was always honest about whatever age I was and what my interests were: more top than bottom, SM fetish, etc.
He came up to meet; I was quite a distance from London. We had a coffee and we got on. And then from that, we took it a bit further. We built a relationship, speaking every other day. When he turned up, I remember thinking, ‘he wants to be a slave?!’ He was about 6’2″, 15 stone, a bit older looking, very deep northern voice. He had big feet, I remember that, size 12 trainers. Everything about him looked big.
Our relationship grew on the basis that he was a great friend and companion. He had the ability to be confident and honest. He knew that I lived with my partner at the time so that wasn’t an issue. In fact, my partner got to know him, but that’s another story for another time.
A man in flux
He had a past. Quite a complicated one. He had been married and left his kids years ago to live in London, changed his name and lost a lot of weight, although he was still a big bloke when we met. Looked after himself, worked for the NHS, he was retired on medical grounds. He lived in London in a maisonette not far out the city, so I’d go and stay with him.
boi: what took him to London?
Boss: The reason he got into SM and the reason he moved to London was a guy who would become his partner: a top. And they used to drink a lot. The partner used to drink a lot. Dave was head of A&E at the time, and he couldn’t cope with the drinking so he’d end up joining in when he got home. He used to say getting drunk with him was easier. Turns out, his partner was quite violent. One day he pushed Dave down the stairs and broke his back. And that’s how he ended up retiring early. They charged his ex with GBH, but we never talked about it beyond that.
Drink. I hate it. Of all the drugs, it’s the worst.
That was, in some ways, what made him who he was. And that’s when he lost all his weight as well, because of all the problems. He ended up in a council flat with a good income on disability. To the outside world he had money. Flat in London, new cars, he looked rich. Did that make him happy? Not really. He was only happy when he was spending because that was his vice. He used to smoke and then quit for a week. Aside from spending, he was very strong-willed.
As we got to know each other, I started to go and stay with him. One every couple of months. Stay for either a weekend or a week. We’d go out and do stuff. He knew the best places to eat in Soho: cheap but nice. He had a lodger, which always struck me as funny, in a council place, but it made no difference. If he had a broom cupboard he could get someone in it.
Getting to Know Dave
His kitchen was pink. He had a pink ironing board, pink cups, pink cutlery, pink cooking utensils, pink jugs – even the iron was pink. It was unreal. For a bloke who was, I suppose he was 47-48 at the time when I met him. It was amazing, for a bloke that spoke with such a thick baritone he’s like ‘I got a pink kitchen’. And later on he got a little dog, he used to come with him all the time in the cage in the back of the car. The dog was even smaller sat next to Dave.
We got to a stage where I would make his choices. He rang me up and said he needed a new car, asking me what he should get. He told me what he liked, I picked the fiesta, he said what colour, I said I liked the red one. Making his choices for him was part of owning him. He’d still go on holiday, he had a girlfriend who was his best mate, they still went around and did their own stuff. Dave was an instigator in my interest in Master/Slave lifestyles, I knew him for about seven years, all the way through until I was living with my new partner. And he was the one who opened my eyes to the fact that I could love more than one person. That I have the ability to be who I want to be. You have to pursue what you want. I’ve tried to live by that as much as I can. I also did his finances for him – nothing major but bits and bobs.
Dave’s Death and the Life he Lead
I got a call one night to say that Derek had died and I thought, who the hell is Derek. It occurred to me afterwards that it was him. It was his sister ringing up. And she and the family were interested in was his money. I thought, ‘god almighty, is that really all you care about, you haven’t spoken to him for ten years.’ He died and all they wanted was to know what he was worth. Anyway, so that was that. I later found out that he died in ‘interesting’ circumstances. He went out with a bang, doing what he loved to do, in the bedroom. I know he looks down on that fact with a smile. To this day I miss him. I miss him because he was normal, as normal as you and I can be, as normal as anyone – but he’d actually learnt how to be who he was. We covered that by talking about the chaps.
boi: Let’s go back to the leather chaps. You were his Master, his Boss, how did that play into your dynamic? It sounds like he was leading you…
Boss: I found it uncomfortable because although I’m confident, I didn’t feel comfortable walking out with him and his arse hanging out. Yet actually, because of who he was and how he was, it was fine. And he was right, of course, it was Pride – the crowds didn’t pay any attention. I’m sure someone somewhere pointed it out, but there were so many things going on, no one batted an eyelid. But that was him, even out of chaps and in civvies, he would be wearing bright red trainers and such. He was no wallflower. He was 6’2″, he knew how to stand out, and did so with purpose.
boi: Was your entire relationship established before the Master/Slave thing or did it grow together?
Boss: Oh, it definitely grew. I wasn’t even convinced when I met him that he was for me, he wasn’t my cup of tea. All of it grew, all of it, from that initial point where he would turn up in my home town and take me out to lunch. He’d turn up and we’d go out. It was phenomenal, such a substantial distance between us and he would drive up from London, to go out with me. We’d do that every now and again.
He was a bit naughty, he had a little bit of money. My colleagues found it amusing when at work I’d have a crate of red wine turn up, even a laptop one day. I told him I couldn’t accept it, he didn’t understand, he knew I needed one so it made sense to buy it. I know to this day, he never took that laptop back. It sat in the flat in London, that’s just who he was. So yeah, our relationship grew from there. He was funny, he was naughty, could be very serious, and he was quite happy to tell someone to ‘fuck off’, nothing phased him.
I’d had an experience before him, another Dave actually, which kind of fell apart very quickly. That Dave – the first one – was dishonest, so when Dave/Derek came along, he was a breath of fresh air. What you saw was what you got. And he was hilarious: I remember his girlfriend telling me that when they went on these cruises he would disappear and she’d think nothing of it. He’d come back and tell her he’d been blowing a guard. But that was Dave! He’d disappear somewhere and well, yes. That was who he was.
He was a bit of a size queen and I’m a grower, not a shower – ‘yeah but you’re nice and thick’. How charming! He told me how once he said to a guy, ‘I could suck on that for a week dear and that’s not going to change anything,’ and then left. I was convinced he was having me on, but of course, he wasn’t. He said to me, ‘it was just boring. I’ve got better things to do than stand there for that.’ He was willing to kill it on the spot. So that’s Dave.
He used to have about a thousand items in his wardrobe. He was a buyer. His wardrobes covered a wall of his bedroom and they were crammed. A lot of his clothes still had labels, stickers and god knows what. The truth was, he was an unhappy guy. His fulfilment came in buying things for himself and others. I think he would have loved to have seen his kids – they were grown up by then.
Desire to Control
boi: And how did your desire for control manifest?
Boss: I controlled bank accounts, I had full access to everything, he continued his life as normal, I didn’t stop him doing anything, but I had full access. I chose his cars, where he went on holiday, so yeah, as much as was possible. He would tell me when he was doing things, ask me if there was anything else I needed him to do.
boi: Your approach to control is an interesting point to discuss. You have control of bank accounts, where we go, what we do, on a daily basis, but it’s not about saying no. It’s more about the fact that you can. You might say no, but only if you had a good reason or if you were feeling particularly sadistic that day.
Boss: Yes, that’s true. I have no interest in what you have or what someone else has, I don’t care. One potential slave said to me, ‘if you had four slaves all earning 2k a month, it would make you 8k a month better off. He was implying that I needn’t work. To which my answer was, yes, of course it would, but wouldn’t I want to match you all? And yes, of course I would, because I would never be seen as incapable of holding my own. I am not a lazy Dom. Because to me that don’t make you a Master at all does it.
boi: One could argue that striving for success, going out there and doing it all yourself is a dominant trait. So the lazy Dom thing, in that respect, is somewhat off balance.
Boss: Exactly. It makes you a user, and users end up lonely. It’s like being a manager of a team: as a manager, you should be prepared to do anything that you would ask of your team. Not that you will have to do these things, you delegate but you should be comfortable with a job you expect others to do.
When it comes to chores: I like my ironing done, out the way. Am I a good ironer? No, but I can iron. So if someone else is better than me, I’d say what I want done and let them get on with it. Why wouldn’t you? It’s about individual strengths. I like the House hoovered and cleaned in a certain way, it would irritate me if it wasn’t done right. I’ll either do it myself, because it’s easier, or I’ll get someone else to do it in such a way that it’s done right. But if I’m going out to collect the dog shit up and I tell someone else to do it, I’m still more than capable of doing it myself. You can’t tell someone to do something unless you’re willing to do it yourself.
boi: What would Dave have thought about the idea of being a service slave?
Boss: (laughs) He had a little weeny garden out the back of the maisonette, no bigger than the car. He used to have a gardener come and do it, one of the locals. Dave used to say ‘the best way to have nothing stolen is to help everybody’. He’d have people come in for coffee and he’d say ‘yeah you know where it is, help yourself.’
boi: What’s the one important takeaway from that relationship?
Boss: Honestly, how to be truly loved. No questions, no qualms. He always said to me ‘you and I love each other, but not necessarily the way people think.’ And that’s always stuck around in my head. Which is why I always say to you all, I will love you in my own way. That is definitely the one most important takeaway from that relationship. Teaching me how to love and be loved. It’s important to care for yourself and to learn to care for somebody else. It’s really hard to do in life because we all have to get on. Dave had a big heart. He was also lonely. People would come and go, he had the lodger downstairs. Before me, the previous Master would come round and shag him, take money from him and go. Even if there was someone there, Dave would go upstairs and get fucked. It was what it was. That was his requirement, so that’s what he would go and do. With his other master before me, he’d get to a point where he’d been fucked for hours and he’d be lying there thinking, ‘oh for god’s sake why don’t you cum.’ But he put up with it because he was a true sub and if that’s what the guy wants, then that’s what the guy gets.
The only thing we never did was go to a couple of clubs in London. He always said he would take me but we never found the time. Which is a shame, because that would have enlightened me. I would have been terrified, but because he’d done it and been there, it would have eased the fear. It’s like you going down Canal Street in your twenties.
boi: Yes, for us it became a walk in the park. I mean, the first time it was terrifying. Here’s an interesting thought. One assumes, that exploring the BDSM scene might be more terrifying for a submissive/slave, but I think it might work both ways.
Boss: It’s the unknown though isn’t it. When you walk into a dark room and you get touched you think ‘what the fuck was that?’
boi: There’s also an element as well of how the media portrays the community. We have always maintained, we are average guys. As such, you wonder if there’s a place for you in this community, because of what you see on the television and everywhere else. It always looks a bit unattainable. And on top of that, it’s all about gear, which we don’t delve in to that much. (Although I would be up for exploring more gear at some point.) If you haven’t got the correct gear, you don’t fit in. It’s almost like that attitude back at school where you get picked on for wearing the wrong trainers.
Boss: Yeh, one hundred per cent. Even the correct hairdo.
boi: And it took me a while to realise that I don’t actually need the gear, as such. What I need is an attitude.
Boss: What do I always say: attitude, ability and desire. People I have worked for have said, if someone turns up, gives a shit and is on time, that’s probably enough to give them a job. It’s enough – everything else can be taught. But if you haven’t got the want to do something then it’s not going to happen.
boi: It makes sense to think of slaves in employment terms, because the lifestyle takes place outside the bedroom. Slaves are much like employees in some ways, down to the contracts, the chores, individual and team responsibiities. With less rights and less choices – not much difference these days, but there we go. Clearly a lot more than that – property, ownership. But on a base level are they employees?
Boss: With Dave I never talked about this, because we explored within those small pockets of time we had. And it was too early days for me, probably. But the whole requirment to be in control is… I actually don’t know why it is what it is. It just is. Some would say I’m a control freak, but I don’t think I am. I don’t stress over control.
boi: I can’t imagine you actually stressing over control. I can imagine you losing your shit if one of us stepped out of line. Even that would be because you can and gives you more opportunity to exert that control.
Final question: what did Dave’s loss teach you?
Boss: It made me realise how much I needed him and this life. He gave me calm, fulfilment. It taught me that every hand has a glove. Every foot has a shoe. It’s just a question of finding the glove that fits. It doesn’t always turn up where you think it might. Like I’ve said to you, we are both holding the same stick but at opposite ends.
I couldn’t share his demise with anyone. I went to work and saw a colleague who knew me very well. I remember walking into her office, shutting the door, and bursting into tears. She looked at me and gave me a hug. All I needed was someone to let go with. And I couldn’t do that with anybody else, I couldn’t free myself. I told her the basics. She said I’m sorry, and I said I’m actually pleased for him. He did have other problems, he had heart problems, cancer problems and all sorts of shit. But that’s neither here nor there.
Dave lived with authenticity. That’s what he taught me. How to live a life you can be proud of.