A Master’s view on the Slave Petition for a TPE and/or BDSM dynamic – Part 3

Why is the sky blue?

We never ask ourselves why. We should ask endless why’s, its a way of discovering our purpose. 

Children are raised in a stifling cloud of butchered priorities. Never question, follow the rules, sit down, shut up and revise some inane facts. Don’t explore, because exploring leads to straying from the one true path. Sounds like a cult? It is! ‘Why is the sky blue?’ could be an important learning question, if it weren’t followed with ‘because it is’ or ‘will you stop asking such ridiculous questions’. ‘Why’ is never a ridiculous question. We don’t know that because we are conditioned not to ask it. 

Why do we do the things we do? Why do we behave in specific ways? Why do we like what we like? Life happens on autopilot, we scrabble about from crisis to crisis and just accept the baseline: we like x because we do; we behave in such a way toward situation x because we do; we do y because we do. Not discovering our true purposes, we tend to become less than self-aware in the process. My advice? Always find your why. Find your reason for existing, because believe me it can and WILL lead to bigger (get your mind out of the gutter, sub) and better things.

My Why

Why am I a Master? Why did I pursue the TPE lifestyle as opposed to a vanilla relationship? 

A naturally dominant person, I crave control and I hate compromise. Compromise wastes time. Ego? Yes, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I make decisions with risks in mind and accounting for the needs of everyone involved. A capable leader in business and in life. Through this, coaching comes naturally to me. I get my kicks helping others achieve their goals. Watching those close to me succeed, and knowing that I nurtured them fills me with immense pride. There is my why. That last bit. Nurture. I have a paternal streak. Not a Daddy by any means – I still don’t get that dynamic, but any Dom in a TPE knows that nurturing is a huge part of the role.

The nurturer in me understands the reciprocal nature of a TPE – a Master is not an abuser. I don’t always take into account what they want. Needs are to be fulfilled, wants come later if at all. It’s in the reciprocal side of a power exchange that you hit upon a truth that is often overlooked: a slave has immense amounts of power. They chose to cede it, which requires perhaps greater strength than a Dom could hope for. 

The most powerful thing of all is self-awareness. Knowing why you do the things you do and behave the way you do helps immensely toward living your life with intentionality, authenticity and most importantly: successfully.

Your why in relation to pursuing a TPE can be many things. It depends on where you sit on the spectrum of dominance and submission.

For a dominant it could be any one or all of the above: a craving of control, a stubborn resistance to compromise, flirting with power, a desire to nurture. ‘With great power comes great responsibility’ – you are guiding another person down the rabbit hole. A Master doesn’t just exert power and disregard the emotional wellbeing of their slaves. Inexperienced Masters fall at the first hurdle, unable to wrap their heads around the nuances of such a relationship. Dominant personalities bent on power and complete control over another. If you want a healthy, well-adjusted slave, you need to put in the work. A slave isn’t one you can just switch on and watch run around the house doing all the things you would rather not do yourself. Slaves need training, guidance, support and care. 

A slave’s why

Why would you want to be a slave? Good question. And one I am not wholly qualified to answer. Boi slave published a blog on the subject a while ago, and adds some thoughts below:

I have a natural desire to submit. It doesn’t make me any less strong, it’s just my default. Dominance and submission are just two ends of a spectrum. There are those that preach dominance as the only way to get through life, but submissive doesn’t have to equate to weak, and my form of slavery is based on inner strength. 

You don’t know your own power until it is taken from you. And a good Master knows how to show you this. Slavery isn’t easy. I made a conscious choice to surrender my ego, to dedicate my life to The Boss. It takes its toll on my mind, my body and soul, but in that is found liberation and freedom. 

Some talk of revelling in the ability to focus on the now – your past being irrelevant and the future being taken out of your hands. Some wish to live a life where they don’t have to make any more decisions. Maybe you are indecisive and seek someone who can complement this with natural decision making abilities.  or it may not be that your indecisive, but being a natural submissive you get more fulfilment over prioritising the needs and wants of another. As a submissive you may have a desire for active and submissive services, exercising your selflessness but still fulfilling your needs.   

Vanilla vs TPE

One of the most important ‘why’ questions I always ask a potential slave or Master is ‘why chose TPE?’ Why is vanilla not for you?

A TPE dynamic has as much in common with a Vanilla relationship as the things that set them apart. What’s similar is love, respect, trust, and commitment. What’s not so similar is the way these seemingly ordinary concepts are approached. 

The most important tenet of the Master/slave lifestyle is trust. The way we approach trust obviously just as important in any relationship, but in my experience we understand it better. Because we have to. When you have a partner surrendering control to you, it is vital that this is done with complete trust and occasionally brutal honesty. 

Most vanilla relationships are weighted by a constant power struggle: 

The beauty of a TPE comes from honesty, from truth. It leaves little room for hidden feelings. By design, both/all parties must be upfront about their strengths and weaknesses. Power is weighted in such a way that, if things haven’t been openly discussed and negotiated upfront, the relationship is often doomed to fail. The Boss has heard from more than one of his bois that they have never experienced such honesty and truth in a relationship.

Within a vanilla relationship there are all those hidden power dynamics. We don’t tend to reveal our weaknesses early on, as they aren’t forced into the light. What’s hidden in a total power exchange is a level of equality, albeit obscured by the top-level control. A slave, just like its Master, must consent (in an informed way) to everything that goes on within their relationship. Both/all members of a dynamic head into the relationship fully aware of where the power lies. Negotiations over and mutual consent expressed, there shouldn’t be any need for a power struggle. Unless that is part of the exchange. 

Master or slave, you have to be prepared to reveal all, sooner rather than later. All deal-breakers laid on the table, sooner than you would be used to in a mainstream relationship. Believe me, if you have surrendered to a Power Exchange without revealing yourself, things can get messy for both parties very fast. 

It’s Not about Sex

I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy sex. I love it. Sex is important. Yet it’s also insignificant. Your relationship with a potential Master won’t be founded on you being a 24/7 fuck-slut. Your pleasure no longer matters. It’s only about your Masters pleasure, to be satisfied when and if they wish. Yes there may be times where you are cuffed, restrained and used, but you will spend more time at the kitchen sink or at a desk in the office. In a 24/7 TPE there is no more sex to be found than in any long term vanilla relationship.

So, if you’re only reason for wanting a Master is because the thought turns you on, stick to the fantasy – find yourself a casual Dom, be the bedroom slut you want to be, but don’t go signing a contract for a 24/7 life you’re not willing to dedicate your life to. 

A quick note on trauma

This is a whole other blog post (or six) in itself. Your why may be linked to past trauma. A lot of people have found BDSM to be a healing practice. There are numerous resources online that can help you here. A couple of my Bois have come to BDSM from this direction and it has helped them immensely. 

Homework: Find your Whys? 

Ask the question over and over again and get to the root of why you want to A) dominate or B) submit. 

A small task to get the ball rolling.

Get yourself a pen and paper. 

At the top of the page write one of the following based on which end of the dom/sub spectrum you sit. (Remember, if you feel like you’re in the middle you can absolutely carry on down the path – you, my friend, may just be a switch):

I want to be slave…

I want to be a Master…

You have stated your objective.

Now, below, ask yourself ‘why’. Your first answer might be something along the lines of ‘I crave control’ or ‘I desire to be controlled’. 

Whatever the answer, below ask ‘why’ again. Repeat the process. Keep repeating until you strike upon a truth. 

Here’s a couple of rough examples from two former trainees of mine. Bear in mind these were on the first day of training, before they even had a clue what they were doing. And they have been culled for brevity. 

I want to be a slave. Why? Because I like someone else in control.  Why? It’s liberating.  Why? Because to surrender choice is a thrill. Because it makes me feel more empowered in my daily life.  Why does it make you feel more empowered? Because it makes me feel significant and insignificant all at once.  Why? Because it’s in the loss of power that we discover how powerful we were in the first place. 

I want to be a Master. Why? Because I crave control. Why? Because if I’m in control things get done. I am a natural decision-maker. Why? I’m good at decisions. I make smart decisions based on risk-awareness and consider the needs of everyone involved. Why do you consider the needs of everyone involved? Because I need to nurture.

As you can see, in the above, the two opposite sides of a spectrum came to a truth about themselves. The sub didn’t realise he was a swami. The Dom didn’t realise he had struck upon one of the core traits of a true Master – it’s not just about the power trip, it’s about guidance, nurturing, and training.  

This isn’t an essay project so much as a beginning. A beginning in which you can get to the root of why you wish to submit or dominate? 

Ask yourself the following questions, using the same ‘why’ formula for whatever answers you feel are important. 

Why TPE? What can you get in a TPE that you can’t find in a vanilla relationship?

Why do you wish to be a Master/slave?

Think about your earliest memories of submission or dominance. Go way back. Before the two traits were remotely sexual. Here is where you can begin to discover whether it’s a natural trait or a sexual thrill. Neither is better than the other, but it informs what relationship you seek.

Think about what you can bring to such a role. Why do these matter to you? 

Think about what you can receive from being in a TPE. Why do you desire this?

Why do you need TPE?

If you even need it at all. 

That’s the important one. Even for slaves, this is all about fulfilling our needs. Its about living a lifestyle that suits; not the one dictated by society, but one that can satisfy you mind, body and soul. A lifestyle that can help you achieve your goals, you ambitions, and ultimately light that fire inside of you. Just promise yourself that you will find that person who is holding the same stick at the opposite end. One you can trust to guide you down the rabbit hole. 

I would love to hear your answers to these questions. Feel free to leave them in comments, or even email us if you wish your truths to remain anonymous for now. 

Be good, 

The Boss and the Bois 

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